Have you ever seen a dog or a child who flinches when an adult moves suddenly and unexpectedly? My new best friend, Lucy, is a 2 year old great dane. I adopted her about a month ago to ease the loneliness during and after my recent divorce. Two days ago I picked up the broom and carried it past Lucy to another room. I thought Lucy was focused on her food bowl, but the moment she saw the broom in my hand she flinched and crouched in fear. I felt so horrible for scaring her. Even though I was not the actual cause of her fear, I was the trigger on that particular day.
There was little I could do to calm her. I put the broom on the floor and coaxed her from her crouching and trembling position. I tried to get her to sniff the broom and become comfortable with it. I had very little luck that night. Lucy will eventually learn that she is safe with me despite the broom I may hold, but it will take time. I’m sure she will need to see me pick up that broom and do nothing but sweep the floor with it for quite a while before her fears are gone.
Physical flinching is usually easy to see and identify, but there are other forms of flinching that cannot be so easily recognized. I realized just this morning that I “flinch” with my emotions. If you have read my other recent posts, you already know I am going through a divorce after nearly 25 years of marriage. The longer we are apart, the more I see how disfunctional and destructive our relationship has been. (Please don’t assume I was physically abused. I was not.) I don’t flinch at a broom or fist or anything physical. Just this morning, however, I came to the realization that I “flinch” emotionally.
I have an old friend who has become a close friend in recent weeks. He and I have spent hours sharing a great deal of the experiences both of us have had in the last couple of decades since we have seen each other. After a time, our conversations have become more personal and I enjoy them. He frequently gives me sweet words of affirmation that would make my heart melt if my emotions didn’t tend to flinch the moment his pleasant words hit my ears. During the last several years, words of affirmation were used almost exclusively in inappropriate ways. They were occasionally used to precede criticism. They were frequently used to distract me from the truth going on around me so that I would believe whatever lie was flowing in that particular moment in time.
I believe my friend is sincere when he speaks his sweet words, but my emotional reaction is almost always to flinch when I hear them and to brace myself for whatever bad experience will follow. I have no reason to have this reaction to his words. He has done nothing to hurt me. Sadly, in this time when my emotions are still so raw from the fresh wounds that have been spoken over the old emotional scars, I flinch in my heart much as Lucy still does when I pick up the broom.
It hurts me to see Lucy flinch as she does, and I’m sure it hurts my friend when I do the same. I feel so bad that he is basically reaping consequences of someone else’s actions. It is not his fault, and it is unfair of me to hurt or frustrate him when he is only being kind and thoughtful. I try so hard not to let the insecurities that accompany the emotional flinch to take over my thoughts in these moments, but I usually fail with these efforts. Sometimes, just simply hearing him call me “beautiful” will trigger a flinch that brings with it a low to medium level of fear. I am so afraid at times to believe his words that I feel almost suffocated by that fear. I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to feel anything emotional. I am afraid to feel anything physical.
My friend has not done a single thing to cause my fears. He has simply done something I am sure is natural for him to do. He has spoken words to melt my heart, but those words have been used by another in a different way. I must find a way to stop the emotional flinching, but it will take time to heal my heart and emotions. It will take time for me to trust anyone but God; but, when I put my trust in God, I find the strength to calm my natural tendency to fear and emotionally flinch with the trigger of innocent words.
John 14:27 states, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.”
forgiven faith 