As I have traveled the difficult road through divorce this year, several people have suggested I consider the many changes as a new chapter in the book of my life. I disagree. What I am living right now is not a new chapter. It is a completely new book. I will not let anyone wrestle the pen and blank pages from my hands this time. I will hold the pen and I will fill the pages. This new book will not be like the last. It will not be able to be labeled as a drama full of sadness and betrayal as the last book could be. If this new book were to be labeled to put on a shelf, it would be considered an inspirational novel full of love, passion and spiritual growth.
Tag: God
The Difference Between Doing and Living
Have you ever been so tired that no matter how hard you tried you just couldn’t hold your eyes open and you were not somewhere you wanted to be caught sleeping? On one particular day during my junior year of high school I was sitting at one of the long science tables in physics class trying very unsuccessfully to stay awake. Mr. W. was a great teacher who entertained his classes with hilarious stories, but he spoke very monotone and the steady tone of his voice worked on me just like a lullaby does to a baby. I don’t remember who had the pleasure of waking me up that day, but I will never forget being startled awake and feeling so embarrassed. I felt like the focal point for the entire class whether they were paying attention or not.
If you follow my blog or happened to read my last post, you may remember that it was about the individual person being distracted by the things going on in his or her life and the distractions found on the news or social media. In the Gospel of Mark, chapter 13, verses 32 through 33 Jesus says, “No one knows the day or hour when these things [His return] will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself. And since you don’t know when they will happen, stay alert and keep watch.”
I don’t want to be embarrassed again by falling asleep somewhere I shouldn’t, but the thought of Jesus catching me asleep when I am supposed to be a living example of His love is… I don’t even have words to describe how horrible that would be. There have been many times in my life during which I have watched for His return and there are other times when I have allowed distractions to take His place as my focal point. I have recently realized that during some of the times I thought I was being watchful for Him I was actually being distracted by what I thought was His service. I was doing the “right things” as I understood those things in Scripture, but I wasn’t really living those right things in the right way. What if I’m not the only one? What if Jesus comes back and finds not only me sleeping but whole congregations sleeping as well? What can slip past the sleeping congregations and sit right down on the pew beside each member?
The book of Revelations, chapters two and three consist of letters dictated by Jesus to the churches of Biblical times and they tell us exactly what can happen when the congregation is sleeping. The first letter is written to the church in Ephesus and should be a wake-up call to churches today. “I know all the things you do. I have seen your hard work and your patient endurance. I know you don’t tolerate evil people… But I have this complaint against you. You don’t love me or each other as you did at first! Look how far you have fallen from your first love! Turn back to me again and work as you did at first.” In His letter to the church in Sardis Jesus said, “I know all the things you do, and that you have a reputation for being alive – but you are dead. Now wake up! Strengthen what little remains for even what is left is at the point of death.”
The accusations against these churches were written in letters to those congregations, but they were included in Scripture for a reason. God doesn’t simply want us to know what He said to these churches that have been gone for centuries. He wants us to realize He is talking to the churches of today, too – my church, your church, the church around the corner and the church across town.
The churches of today need to wake up and open their eyes to the things going on around them and even within their own congregations. In His letter to the church in Thyatica Jesus speaks of a woman, Jezebel, doing and encouraging sin within the church. All churches have a Jezebel at some point in time. Most churches have a Jezebel right now whether they realize it or not. Jezebel could open the church up to many things such as gossip, lies, theft, or even drugs, sexual immorality or idolatry and false teaching. The important thing with all church Jezebels is that the church handle the situation Scripturally. Is she allowed to continue her behavior while various people pray for her to change? Is she spoken to about her behavior but allowed to continue with it? Is her behavior addressed according to the instructions presented in Scripture? There may be times in the life of the church that His children look around themselves with concern and fear because their Jezebel seems so strong or out of control, but rest assured God will not allow Jezebel to continue forever. In His letter to the church of Thyatira Jesus warns, “I gave her time to repent, but she would not turn away from her immorality. Therefore, I will throw her upon a sickbed, and she will suffer greatly with all who commit adultery with her, unless they turn away from all their evil deeds. I will strike her children dead. And all the churches will know that I am the one who searches out the thoughts and intentions of every person. And I will give each of you whatever you deserve….” I’m not sure how you feel about that part of His letter, but I find it a little scary for the church. Jezebel’s children are not necessarily the ones she has physically given birth to. They could just as easily be other members of the church family who have become actively or passively involved in her behavior.
Jesus always leaves us with hope, however, such as the promise in his letter to the church in Philadelphia. “I know all the things you do, and I have opened a door for you that no one can shut. You have little strength, yet you obeyed my word and did not deny me. Look! I will force those who belong to Satan [including Jezebel and her children] – those liars who say they are Jews [children of God] but are not – to come and bow down at your feet. They will acknowledge that you are the ones I love. Because you have obeyed my command to persevere, I will protect you from the great time of testing that will come upon the whole world to test those who belong to this world.” What an awesome promise!
This post jumps around a bit in topic, but it can be applied to both the individual person and the church body. Stop doing the right things because they are the right things to do; and start living, really living the right way. Would you rather stand before Jesus at His judgement seat and hear Him say you obeyed Him, or would you rather hear Him say you lived your life in a way that other people saw Him through you? The choice is yours.
Don’t be Found Sleeping
I work in finance in a medium sized public service organization. Last week, in the last five minutes of the workweek, I took some information that concerned me to my boss. Something wasn’t balancing as it should which meant that somewhere, somehow an error was been made. More than likely, this error will be simple to fix, but it may take me some time to locate the error and make a correcting entry. I was already disappointed in myself for not noticing this problem weeks earlier; but when I saw the disappointment on my boss’ face and heard it in his voice my disappointment turned to something closer to dread. I was very upset with myself for letting my boss down. I hate letting anyone down, but my boss is a good boss and I really, really hated letting him down.
This evening I pulled out the women’s devotional book I have been studying. Today’s reading was about being a good steward and giving wisely. The suggested reading was the end of Mark chapter 12; but when I was through with those verses I continued through chapter 13. Verses 32 through 37 practically jumped off the page at me. “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come. It’s like a man going away; He leaves his house and puts his servants in charge, each with his assigned task, and tells the one at the door to keep watch.
“Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back – whether in evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows at dawn. If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping.”
My boss didn’t find me sleeping. I found myself sleeping and then had to explain to him how I had let him down. I didn’t like admitting it, but I had no excuse. I allowed myself to be distracted by other things. The other things were important as well, but those tasks should not have taken all of my focus so that I did not see this error until now.
While reading Mark chapter 13 this evening, I realized I let Someone down every day – Someone much more important than my boss. I read my Bible, I attend small group Bible studies, I listen to Christian music; but if God chose tonight to send His Son in all His power and glory to gather His children, He would find that this child has slept way too much lately. I have watched for the signs that many people recognize – wars, persecution of Christians, famine, earthquakes, etc. – but I have allowed these signs which are on the news quite regularly to distract me. Instead of serving Jesus, I have been focused on the signs of His return. I cannot imagine the dread I would feel if He showed up when I wasn’t paying attention – while I was sleeping. Oh, what a horrible feeling that would be!
It is time for me, for all of us, to wake up. We need to stop focusing on the signs that were prophesied and start serving the One those prophesies were pointing to return. We need to make sure we are ready, and we need to make sure the people around us are ready. We need to be doing the tasks He has assigned to each of us and let Him handle the rest.
Don’t just watch for His return. Serve Him while you watch.
Stop Trying to Understand
“I just don’t understand how they could do this to me.” I have heard this said so many times over the years and recently have said it myself several times. When someone you have loved for many years decides to act in a way that destroys the relationship you have with him or her, the pain you feel can overwhelm you and trigger a multitude of feelings and questions. You may feel like I recently did: stuck in a pit of quicksand, slipping a little deeper every time I tried to answer another “how could he” question. As much as I would like to know the answers to each of the questions I think of, I have decided it may be best if I don’t understand them and can never answer them. Isaiah 55:3,6-9 says, “Come to me with your ears wide open. Listen, and you will find life….Seek the Lord while you can find him. Call on him now while he is near. Let the wicked change their ways and banish the very thought of doing wrong. Let them turn to the Lord that he may have mercy on them. Yes, turn to our God, for he will forgive generously. ‘My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,’ says the Lord. ‘And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts….'” Nowhere in this passage does God instruct us to study so we may understand the thoughts and actions of other people. Nowhere does He say we will understand what other people do or why they do it. What He does tell us is that we need to listen to Him and study His ways. The more we understand God’s ways, the less we will understand the ways of man including the men or women who hurt us. Stop trying to understand how someone you love could do something that hurts you deeply. If you understand it, you are capable of doing it yourself. You are almost always better off not understanding it and not being capable of it. This is almost always the only way out of the quicksand.
New Happiness Despite Old Circumstances
If someone had told me a year ago that I would be where I am today, I would have told them they were crazy. Not only would I have never allowed things to spin this far out of control, I would never have been able to survive as things are now.
If someone had told me six months ago that everything that my life was would be gone in three months, I would have told them they were as wrong as wrong could be.
If someone had told me three months ago that I would soon be happier than I had been in over two decades, I would have told them they had no idea what they were talking about and obviously didn’t know me very well. At that time I was too devestated to really, truly function or see any possibility of happiness in my future.
Guess what. In each of these instances I would have been the one who was wrong. When I look back on the multitude of major changes that have taken place during this difficult time in my life, I visualize a big box that my life was carefully packed away in. Some of my life was packed neatly and organized and some was simply thrown into the box with the rest. Regardless of how or when it was placed in the box, each item was very valuable to me. Once my whole life was packed away to keep it safe, someone snatched the box from the place l had hidden it for safety. They flipped it upside down and shook until the entire box, my life, was empty, handed that empty box to me, stomped on much of the contents and then smugly walked away.
I felt lost at first, frozen and unable to think. After some time had passed, I knelt down on the floor and began to try to put everything back in the box, but the box seemed much smaller now. After a while I realized that the broken pieces of my life wouldn’t fit in the box any more. I had a difficult time fitting everything in the box before it was dumped and was now faced with the task of trying to shove every broken piece, big or small, into a space never made to hold so much. It couldn’t be done.
With tears flowing down my face, I removed each broken piece of my life and spread them neatly around the floor beside the box. I gazed upon them and mourned my losses. How could I continue without these pieces of my life whether they were whole or broken? I tried desperately to find a way to glue the shattered pieces back together. I insisted I would succeed, but after a while I realized I was lying to myself. No amount of glue or tape could ever fix these shattered pieces and make them whole again, and they could not fit back into the box I held no matter how I tried. I didn’t know what to do.
I knew I couldn’t go on without these pieces but they couldn’t be fixed. I cried and I cried…a lot, and then I began to pack the unbroken items back into the box. Even these unbroken pieces were marred in some way by scratches, bruises, dents or cracks, but they were still intact despite their scars. As I placed the last of the unbroken pieces of my life into the box, I saw something through the tears welled up in my eyes. My box was full and not because it was smaller. My box had grown in size and the scarred but unbroken pieces of my life that now resided in this box had grown, too.
The box I packed my life into was completely full and it no longer seemed like anything was missing. The shattered pieces on the floor around me were no longer important. I had thought for over two decades that each item I had packed away was extremely important and irreplaceable. I had packed each of my precious “belongings” away to protect them, but all that I had really accomplished was to hold on to them for two decades longer than God wanted me to. These things had no real value and actually lowered the value of the other pieces of my life.
My life outside of my imaginary box has changed considerably. Some of the changes were painful to live through but each and every one of them was needed and has brought me to a new place in my life…a new place where I feel respected, wanted and loved.
Isaiah 43:2 says, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”
I thought I would not survive the complete change my life has been through; but, as it says in Isaiah 43:2, I did not drown or burn. I made it and I am happy for the first time in many, many years.
From Shattered Glass to a Vase of Roses
I want you to picture someone and something in your mind. Think of the person you love who has hurt you the most. The pain this person has caused you could be from something he or she said, or did, or neglected to do, or any number of things. Regardless of what happened, the pain that you felt or may still feel is unlike any other you have ever felt because of the love you have given to them. The individual you are thinking of is standing next to a coffee table. Resting on the table is the most beautiful glass vase you have ever seen. The vase is made of clear glass with swirls of color flowing through it. The vase holds a colorful blend of flowers. You have had this vase for many, many years and have always made sure the flowers it held were fresh and beautiful. You now think of this vase as a treasured heirloom to pass down to your children.
Now I want you to envision this person you love pick up your vase full of flowers. They smile as they examine the thing of beauty they now hold in their hands. Just as the smile envelopes his or her face and they seem to be almost entranced by the beauty they are holding, the smile which now reaches his or her eyes changes. You cannot describe or explain the change, but you see it clearly and know something has gone terribly wrong. Without warning, this person you have loved hurls the vase against a stone wall that encases the flames burning in a fireplace. You stand frozen in shock for seconds that feel more like hours or days. You cannot move. You cannot breath. You cannot think. You cannot understand. You can only stare in silence as your emotions try to process what you have just witnessed.
Eventually, you begin to feel as though your life has been shattered. You feel like you have been violated by the look of pleasure on your loved one’s face. You feel devastated and refuse to allow yourself to look at the shards and slivers of glass as they fall to the hearth in front of the flames. At first, the sheer pleasure you see in his or her eyes hurts you deeply. After a few more seconds that feel more like hours, you feel a combination of sadness and anger…but then you see something new in his or her eyes. The ecstasy you saw in their gaze when they looked at the destruction they had caused turned into confusion. The look of confusion turned into a combination of shock and anger. You cannot pull your eyes from watching his or her face and after a moment find you can speak for the first time in seconds that seem like decades. As you look into their eyes you ask, “What is wrong? Why did you do this?” The shock and anger you saw only a moment ago changes into contempt and they walk silently from the room and slam the door. You feel a deep fear because somehow, in some way you cannot explain, you realize this person is gone forever.
You stare for several moments at the now empty spot he or she was standing in. You are confused because you do not know what has caused the ecstasy in their eyes to change to contempt. Your own confusion and curiosity turn your eyes for the first time towards the shattered vase and scattered flowers, but that is not what you see. In the flames you see several large shards and slivers of glass from the vase, but that is not what causes the amazement you now feel. Sitting on the hearth just barely out of the flames is a vase even more beautiful than the first made of clear glass with red swirling through it. In the vase you see two dozen beautiful white roses. In the center of the white roses rests one beautiful red rose. The flowers should be wilting from the heat of the flames; but, instead, you find them in their most beautiful state completely untouched by the flames or even the heat that you can feel while standing across the room. You stand frozen again. At first you are confused but after a few moments your confusion is replaced by awe and wonder. You are truly amazed by the miracle you gaze upon.
You may have already applied this analogy to your life; but, if not, let’s try it now. The first vase of flowers is your life. It is everything you have ever known and ever loved. It is even the very air you breath. When the vase was thrown against the stone wall, your entire life was being shattered by the actions of someone else. This person was selfish and felt enjoyment from the pain they caused you. Their enjoyment ended the moment he or she realized the slivers of glass that landed in the flames represented them, while the new vase and roses represented your new life without them. He or she will forever be discarded slivers that have no place in the life you have now. The single red rose represents Jesus Christ who is the only One who can turn the slivers of your life into a beautiful miracle.
Psalm 107:19-21 states, “Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent forth his word and healed them. He rescued them from the grave. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men.” The shattered vase and scattered flowers was my old life; but, by the grace of God, the beautiful vase of roses is my new life. I have a lot to thank God for in my new life. He has blessed me in more ways than I can put to words.
Flinching in Fear
Have you ever seen a dog or a child who flinches when an adult moves suddenly and unexpectedly? My new best friend, Lucy, is a 2 year old great dane. I adopted her about a month ago to ease the loneliness during and after my recent divorce. Two days ago I picked up the broom and carried it past Lucy to another room. I thought Lucy was focused on her food bowl, but the moment she saw the broom in my hand she flinched and crouched in fear. I felt so horrible for scaring her. Even though I was not the actual cause of her fear, I was the trigger on that particular day.
There was little I could do to calm her. I put the broom on the floor and coaxed her from her crouching and trembling position. I tried to get her to sniff the broom and become comfortable with it. I had very little luck that night. Lucy will eventually learn that she is safe with me despite the broom I may hold, but it will take time. I’m sure she will need to see me pick up that broom and do nothing but sweep the floor with it for quite a while before her fears are gone.
Physical flinching is usually easy to see and identify, but there are other forms of flinching that cannot be so easily recognized. I realized just this morning that I “flinch” with my emotions. If you have read my other recent posts, you already know I am going through a divorce after nearly 25 years of marriage. The longer we are apart, the more I see how disfunctional and destructive our relationship has been. (Please don’t assume I was physically abused. I was not.) I don’t flinch at a broom or fist or anything physical. Just this morning, however, I came to the realization that I “flinch” emotionally.
I have an old friend who has become a close friend in recent weeks. He and I have spent hours sharing a great deal of the experiences both of us have had in the last couple of decades since we have seen each other. After a time, our conversations have become more personal and I enjoy them. He frequently gives me sweet words of affirmation that would make my heart melt if my emotions didn’t tend to flinch the moment his pleasant words hit my ears. During the last several years, words of affirmation were used almost exclusively in inappropriate ways. They were occasionally used to precede criticism. They were frequently used to distract me from the truth going on around me so that I would believe whatever lie was flowing in that particular moment in time.
I believe my friend is sincere when he speaks his sweet words, but my emotional reaction is almost always to flinch when I hear them and to brace myself for whatever bad experience will follow. I have no reason to have this reaction to his words. He has done nothing to hurt me. Sadly, in this time when my emotions are still so raw from the fresh wounds that have been spoken over the old emotional scars, I flinch in my heart much as Lucy still does when I pick up the broom.
It hurts me to see Lucy flinch as she does, and I’m sure it hurts my friend when I do the same. I feel so bad that he is basically reaping consequences of someone else’s actions. It is not his fault, and it is unfair of me to hurt or frustrate him when he is only being kind and thoughtful. I try so hard not to let the insecurities that accompany the emotional flinch to take over my thoughts in these moments, but I usually fail with these efforts. Sometimes, just simply hearing him call me “beautiful” will trigger a flinch that brings with it a low to medium level of fear. I am so afraid at times to believe his words that I feel almost suffocated by that fear. I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to feel anything emotional. I am afraid to feel anything physical.
My friend has not done a single thing to cause my fears. He has simply done something I am sure is natural for him to do. He has spoken words to melt my heart, but those words have been used by another in a different way. I must find a way to stop the emotional flinching, but it will take time to heal my heart and emotions. It will take time for me to trust anyone but God; but, when I put my trust in God, I find the strength to calm my natural tendency to fear and emotionally flinch with the trigger of innocent words.
John 14:27 states, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.”
Giving Your Present Trial to the Only One Who Matters
As stressful as life can become, as scary as change can be, as painful as heartbreak can feel, God can and will get you through whatever you are facing if you will only let go of your troubles and pain, grab hold of His hand and let Him lead you. He can and WILL rescue you. That doesn’t mean things will always change for the better right here right now, but it does mean He WILL get you through it in this life or the next. He is all any of us need.
Psalm 138:
(1) I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart; before the “gods” I will sing your praise.
(2) I will bow down toward your holy temple and will praise your name for your love and your faithfulness, for you have exalted above all things your name and your word.
(3) When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.
(4) May all the kings of the earth praise you, O Lord, when they hear the words of your mouth.
(5) May they sing of the ways of the Lord, for the glory of the Lord is great.
(6) Though the Lord is on high, he looks upon the lowly, but the proud he knows from afar.
(7) Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.
(8) The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever – do not abandon the works of your hands.
Lucy – My First Step to Independence
If you have read my last post, you know that my life has recently been turned upside down. My husband and I are in the midst of a divorce to end our 25 year relationship, and I am living with my 22 year old son. Nothing in my life is recognizable as even similar to what my life was a year ago or even six months ago.
In the last few years, my husband has been very controlling. Everything was his way or no way. I was unable to please him in any way, and years ago I gave up trying to please him at all. I should not have given up. Doing so did not help our marriage but, more importantly, it did not help me. I became accustomed to failing as a wife and being criticized daily. I stopped trying to succeed as a wife because I could never please him in any way. I was always wrong and was never truly allowed to make any decisions or freely express an opinion on anything without some form of backlash.
Enough with the past…Let’s move forward to the present. I feel a peace at my son’s house that I have never felt before. There is no drama. There is no arguing. There is nothing to create stress. It is truly amazing to experience true peace for the first time in nearly 43 years of life, but peace does not travel alone. Peace pairs with quiet. My son’s job requires that he works out of town for a week or two at a time. When he is gone, his house is quiet, too quiet. It is so quiet that I feared the depression I have fought for many years and only recently walked out of would return.
I don’t like being alone. I don’t like sleeping alone. I don’t like having no one to talk to or watch a movie with on the evenings when my son is out of town. I wanted Hank. Hank is a half English mastiff and half great dane we got for my daughter two years ago. My daughter loves him dearly and has worked with him so much that he is a perfect gentle giant in whatever environment she takes him to. Hank loves and respects my daughter, but Hank chose me as a friend. I don’t know why, but he has always been very attached to me. I missed him and wanted to bring him to my son’s house to live with me, but I knew my daughter would be devastated. I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t hurt her any more than this divorce is already doing, but I missed Hank so much that I cried frequently about him.
As soon as I moved in with my son, he started suggesting that he should get a puppy since he had me to take care of it while he worked out of town. I have told him numerous times that I was not going to take care of a puppy because I had too much going on right now. Then I realized I needed a companion and a puppy seemed like an excellent idea, so after five weeks of telling my son, “No, we cannot get a puppy,” I called my son and asked him if I could get a puppy. He immediately told me I could and then teased me about my complete reversal.
I decided I was going to get the dog I always wanted but my husband always told me I could not have. I wanted a harlequin great dane puppy. I searched online and found the exact puppy I wanted. It was within my price range and seemed too good to be true. I was so excited…until I found out it really was too good to be true. It was a scam. I was devestated. I was finally making my first big decision for my own happiness without having to answer to my husband, but that decision fell apart. I cried that evening because I felt like my entire world had been turned upside down and God must have been punishing me by making one more thing go against me. I was so very wrong.
My best friend knew how sad I was about the puppy. I didn’t know she was spending the entire evening trying to find me a great dane until she called me to tell me she found one. It was not a puppy. It was a 2 year old female, rather than the male puppy I wanted and I was very skeptical. I didn’t think I was going to like the dog but I contacted the owners. Not only was she not the age nor gender I wanted, she was also not a harlequin marked dane. My son suggested we drive to Georgia and at least meet the dog. I really didn’t think there was a chance that she was a dog I would want…but then I met her.
Lucy did not fit any of the criteria I had set in place for the dog I wanted, but God knew what I needed. I had prayed frequently that He would give me the puppy that I wanted, but He answered those prayers with a firm, “No.” Instead, He gave me Lucy. Lucy is so much like Hank that it is almost like he is here with me. She has his personality, his mannerisms, his size, his habits… She is absolutely precious. It took only moments for Lucy to win my love.
I’m sure you have heard that country song that says, “I thank God for unanswered prayers.” That is how I feel about Lucy. She is an amazing companion. She is happy and energetic and likes to snuggle on the couch and sit in your lap, though she sits taller on the couch than I do. She will sit beside me and watch movies. She even sleeps in my waterbed with me most nights and has only put one hole in it. I could never have found a more perfect companion than Lucy. If God had given me what I wanted instead of what He gave me, I would have missed out on His blessing, because Lucy is truly a blessing from God.
Shifting From the Winds to the Eye of the Storm
Have you ever lived in a geographic location where you have to deal with the threat of possible hurricanes? The weather guy has made his prediction that it’s a category 2 now but may strengthen and make landfall as a category 4 in the next 24 to 48 hours. Should you run to the store and stock up on bread and bottled water? Should you go to the nearest gas station and fill your vehicles and multiple gas cans…just in case? Should you evacuate and hope everything is still standing when the storm is over? Should you just stay put and not worry about anything because these things usually end up proving to be much less than predicted?
In recent months, I have found that my life has almost always consisted of preparations for the next “hurricane,” but in the last few years I have not been preparing as I should. It took the most recent hurricane for me to realize just how ill-prepared I really am. Four weeks ago, I moved out. I left my husband whom I have been with for the last 25 years, and I am now living with my 22 year old son. I was not really prepared for this hurricane at all. At first, I thought the storm would completely blow over and dissipate as real hurricanes often do. I was wrong. The hurricane force winds are still blowing all around me as they have done for years, but one thing is very different. I don’t feel those winds. I am sitting comfortably in the eye of the storm. I can see the winds, but they can’t touch me unless I allow myself to shift from the eye of the storm back into the actual storm itself.
Every day I spend out of the winds makes me realize a little more just how hard and how long they have been blowing. I think I have been trying to stand upright in the strongest of hurricane winds for most of my life. For years, I have fought to hold my life together using my own strength, but I have always known my own strength would never be enough. I have always known that God was the only One strong enough to hold anything together, but I have consistently fought giving Him control. Oh, I say all the right things: “I have given everything in this situation to God and will accept whatever He does to fix it.” In reality, I may give it to Him, but I keep my grip firmly on one little corner and eventually pull the whole situation, no matter what it is, back on my own shoulders which have proven time and again to be too weak to carry the burden.
I am a fixer by nature. I fix other peoples’ problems all the time. I have many people who come to me at the first indication of a problem and ask for my advice and help. I’ve been told I give good advice. I help everyone else prepare for whatever hurricane they are living through, but when it comes to my own hurricanes I have consistently found myself ill-prepared. I know where I need to go for hurricane provisions, but I have avoided gathering those provisions because I was afraid I would not find the answers I wanted mixed in with the bread and bottled water. I was terrified that I would read Scripture and pray and realize that God never wanted me where I was and definitely wanted me elsewhere. I have been terrified for a very long time, I think because I have known for a very long time that God did not want me to have ever stepped into the path of these particular winds. I walked right into these hurricane force winds on my own and begged God to calm the storm. Of course, He would calm the storm because He does not condone divorce, right?
God did not calm the storm. He did not stop the winds. He did not provide any way to survive in the storm. Instead, He gave me numerous opportunities to walk out of the storm on my own, but I ignored those opportunities. I was stubborn and stayed just to prove I could and used Scripture in the wrong way in order to excuse my bad decision. I should have left at year two, at year five and at year twenty, but I didn’t. I waited until twenty-five years were spent trying to stand in winds that no one can truly stand in. For now, I will live my life in the eye where the winds cannot touch me. I will use the hurricane provisions that God has generously supplied and remember, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)”
forgiven faith 