Tag: emotion

Am I a Songbird, a Crow, or Silent?

What kind of bird am I? Do I sing with the rest of the choir when the sun is shining but keep my beak clamped shut when my life is overcast? Worse yet, do I sit on my tree-top and squalk at those around me like a crow no matter how my surroundings appear?

I look forward to walking out the door of my apartment each morning. Not only am I escaping my tiny box of a home that I share with my 110 plus pound great dane and way-too-fat cat, I also enjoy the morning choir of songbirds that I am almost always blessed to listen to as I walk to my car each day. The chirping and singing is so cheerful it can brighten even the darkest of my moods as I make that short treck to the parking lot.

This morning as I was getting ready for work, I glanced out the window and found the skies to be overcast and dreary. I continued getting ready without noticing that my good mood was starting to cloud over with the skies. Though my life is really blessed and I have been very happy lately, I was allowing the blah-ness of the day to affect me without realizing it. When I had completed my morning routine, I grabbed my purse, lunch and keys and headed for my car. My thoughts were consumed by my schedule for the day and shadowed over by the clouds overhead, but about ten feet out my apartment door I heard something that stopped me in my tracks.

Despite the cloudy, dreary-looking skies, I could hear birds singing. I didn’t hear as many voices in the choir as on a sunny day, but that didn’t effect the beauty of their song. I forgot about my to-do list. I forgot about the clouds hiding the sun. I remembered just how blessed I am. I remembered how happy I am. Then I had a random thought. What kind of bird am I?

Do I sing with the rest of the choir when the sun is shining but keep my beak clamped shut when my life is overcast? Worse yet, do I sit on my tree-top and squalk at those around me like a crow no matter how my surroundings appear? I would love to say I continue my song even when I can’t feel the warmth of the sun’s rays on me, but I know I fail at this more often than not. These random thoughts reminded me of the Apostle Paul when he said, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want (Philippians 4:12, NIV).”

Am I content with my life so that I can sing my way through sunshine, clouds or rain? Am I content with my life so that I can lift some else’s spirit through the clouds or rain? I should sing despite the dark days. The Holy Spirit should be able to use me to lift the spirit of others on the overcast days we share. I should be a songbird no matter the skies.

Flinching in Fear

Have you ever seen a dog or a child who flinches when an adult moves suddenly and unexpectedly?  My new best friend, Lucy, is a 2 year old great dane.  I adopted her about a month ago to ease the loneliness during and after my recent divorce.   Two days ago I picked up the broom and carried it past Lucy to another room. I thought Lucy was focused on her food bowl, but the moment she saw the broom in my hand she flinched and crouched in fear.  I felt so horrible for scaring her.  Even though I was not the actual cause of her fear, I was the trigger on that particular day. 

There was little I could do to calm her.  I put the broom on the floor and coaxed her from her crouching and trembling position.  I tried to get her to sniff the broom and become comfortable with it. I had very little luck that night.  Lucy will eventually learn that she is safe with me despite the broom I may hold, but it will take time.  I’m sure she will need to see me pick up that broom and do nothing but sweep the floor with it for quite a while before her fears are gone.

Physical flinching is usually easy to see and identify,  but there are other forms of flinching that cannot be so easily recognized.  I realized just this morning that I “flinch” with my emotions.  If you have read my other recent posts, you already know I am going through a divorce after nearly 25 years of marriage.   The longer we are apart, the more I see how disfunctional and destructive our relationship has been.  (Please don’t assume I was physically abused.  I was not.)  I don’t flinch at a broom or fist or anything physical.   Just this morning, however, I came to the realization that I “flinch” emotionally.

I have an old friend who has become a close friend in recent weeks.  He and I have spent hours sharing a great deal of the experiences both of us have had in the last couple of decades since we have seen each other.  After a time, our conversations have become more personal and I enjoy them.  He frequently gives me sweet words of affirmation that would make my heart melt if my emotions didn’t tend to flinch the moment his pleasant words hit my ears.  During the last several years, words of affirmation were used almost exclusively in inappropriate ways.  They were occasionally used to precede criticism.   They were frequently used to distract me from the truth going on around me so that I would believe whatever lie was flowing in that particular moment in time. 

I believe my friend is sincere when he speaks his sweet words, but my emotional reaction is almost always to flinch when I hear them and to brace myself for whatever bad experience will follow.  I have no reason to have this reaction to his words.  He has done nothing to hurt me.  Sadly, in this time when my emotions are still so raw from the fresh wounds that have been spoken over the old emotional scars, I flinch in my heart much as Lucy still does when I pick up the broom. 

It hurts me to see Lucy flinch as she does, and I’m sure it hurts my friend when I do the same.  I feel so bad that he is basically reaping consequences of someone else’s actions.  It is not his fault, and it is unfair of me to hurt or frustrate him when he is only being kind and thoughtful.  I try so hard not to let the insecurities that accompany the emotional flinch to take over my thoughts in these moments, but I usually fail with these efforts.  Sometimes, just simply hearing him call me “beautiful” will trigger a flinch that brings with it a low to medium level of fear.  I am so afraid at times to believe his words that I feel almost suffocated by that fear.  I am afraid to trust.  I am afraid to feel anything emotional.  I am afraid to feel anything physical. 

My friend has not done a single thing to cause my fears.  He has simply done something I am sure is natural for him to do.  He has spoken words to melt my heart, but those words have been used by another in a different way.  I must find a way to stop the emotional flinching, but it will take time to heal my heart and emotions.  It will take time for me to trust anyone but God; but, when I put my trust in God, I find the strength to calm my natural tendency to fear and emotionally flinch with the trigger of innocent words.

John 14:27 states, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.”