Category: Faith

Crazy, Miss-Matched Socks

​After working with children all morning, I was a little nervous about working with one of the mothers. As I sat on the floor in front of her chair, I knew the only thing she could possibly say that I would understand was “Hola” so I decided to be the first to say it in an effort to at least express friendliness even if I couldn’t verbally show it in any other words. She responded with “Hola” and continued with a few words of her own. I looked around the crowded room and couldn’t find an available interpreter, so I held my hands palms up, shrugged my shoulders, smiled and said “no Espanol.” I wasn’t even sure if I had said that correctly, but I knew she understood from her “ah” and nod.

I untied the laces of the shoe she wore on her right foot and gently removed her shoe and sock. Then I picked up the new shoes and started to remove the new socks that were stuffed inside. My first thoughts upon seeing those new socks were, “I cannot give her these. What am I supposed to do with these things? She is not going to want them. Where is an interpreter to explain how sorry I am that this is what I’m giving her? I wish I had my own bag with me, so I could just give her one of the new pair of socks I had packed for myself.” I now wish I knew how many of those silent thoughts she could see on my face. She hadn’t seen her new socks yet since I hadn’t completely removed them from the shoe they were stuffed into and unrolled them, and I really didn’t want to show them to her. I quickly glanced around the room again for an interpreter or someone who would hopefully be able to find me a new pair of socks, but no miracle showed up…or so I thought.

I know I must have worn a cringe on my face as I unrolled the pair of knee high striped socks. Oh, how I wished in that moment the only thing unusual about this woman’s new socks was the length and striped print! As I finished unrolling and separating them, she saw what I saw around thirty seconds earlier. One sock had blue and white stripes while the other had green and white stripes. Even that was not the most unusual thing about these socks. They had toes. Toes…like the socks I had been given years earlier as a gag-gift for Christmas. I was presenting this woman who was older than my forty-four years with a pair of socks that came to her knees, were different colors and had the toes separated.

I was expecting her to look at me with an expression that would say not only “no” but “are you kidding me.” In afterthought, I think I was more surprised by her response than she was about the socks. Here’s when I realized the miracle. She just laughed. She wasn’t upset. She wasn’t bothered in the slightest. She didn’t seem even the tiniest bit disappointed. She laughed and her smile showed as much in her eyes as it did on her mouth. Then her laugh became contagious. Neither of us could stop laughing as I washed her foot and put the sock on. We laughed even harder when we realized the toes on the socks were longer than the toes on her feet which made it even more complicated to make sure I had only one of her toes in each toe of the sock. Have you ever tried a pair of toe-socks? They can be hard to put on your own feet. They are really difficult when you are putting them on someone else’s feet.

Eventually, we managed to get all ten of her toes in the correct places and I put her new shoes on. She expressed her thanks, left her seat and a child took her place on the chair in front of me. The next hour or so was uneventful. I washed several pair of feet and replaced worn shoes and socks with new ones. As my team members and I were finishing up with our last few pair of feet, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to find the woman I had laughed with about her crazy socks. She embraced me with the biggest hug and again thanked me. We shared another laugh and each went our separate ways knowing we will never see each other again, but I believe both of us felt a special bond was formed between us…over two crazy, miss-matched socks.

Our bond was formed on day two of a mission trip with Buckner International. My daughter and I were blessed with an all expense paid trip that I won through the WayFM radio station. We spent one week in Guatemala teaching vacation Bible school followed by giving the kids and a few parents and grandparents shoes. We told stories, helped them memorize a Bible verse, made crafts and played recreational games with more children and families than I could count. When those activities were over, we turned to the socks and shoes.

I have heard many people compare the foot washing we did to when Christ washed the feet of his disciples prior to His crucifixion, but I have a hard time making that comparison to my own actions. As I sit here now in my seat on the flight home and think back on the last week, I feel more like Mary who washed Jesus feet while he was in Bethany; but instead of washing the feet of Jesus, I was washing the feet of His disciples in His physical absence. This woman, Mary, was not a saint. She was a sinner just like the rest of us. “When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, ‘If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is – that she is a sinner.’ (Luke 7:39) She was also criticized for using valuable oil to wash Jesus’ feet. “But one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, who was later to betray him, objected, ‘Why wasn’t this perfume sold and the money given the to the poor? It was worth a year’s wages.’ (John 12:4-5)” 

The only One who could truly judge this woman was Jesus Christ but He chose to extend the grace and mercy only He can give. “Then Jesus said to her, ‘Your sins are forgiven…Your faith has saved you; go in peace,’ “(Luke 7:47,50). She couldn’t hide her sin, but she could rise above it. She could make the most of her resources to honor Jesus Christ, and for that He praised her and her story was given an honored place in Scripture. I am not looking for fame and honor or even recognition for participating in this mission trip. I, like this woman, just want to honor Jesus Christ in whatever way I can, and I want to spread His love around the world. If that simply means talking to my neighbors, my co-workers and other people who cross my path about what Jesus has done for me, I will do it. If that means putting a pair of crazy, miss-matched socks on someone’s feet, I will do that, too.

“John 12:4-5; Luke 7:39, 47,50.” NIV Archeological Study Bible: An Illustrated Walk through Biblical History and Culture. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2005. N. pag. Print.

The Forming of a Canyon

When I googled “definition of canyon” I was shown a nearly endless list of definitions. The most descriptive one (that didn’t put me to sleep) described a canyon as “a deep, narrow valley surrounded by tall cliffs. Because a canyon is often very deep, be very cautious when standing on the rocky cliffs above. The noun canyon refers to the deep ravine that has been cut into the earth’s surface over a long period of time by erosion from a running river” (https://www.vocabulary.com).

This may surprise you, but I have watched a canyon form. It started as a small valley between two hills, but within one quarter century it could easily be compared to the Grand Canyon. I know it doesn’t sound possible for a mere twenty-five years to create a great canyon with steep cliffs that could easily claim the life of any traveler who makes one tiny mistep; but, I assure you, that is exactly what I witnessed.

What originally began as two small hills with an easily crossed valley between them, was actually two young lives separated by slightly different beliefs. Both lives were able to cross back and forth with ease over the valley. As the young lives grew older, the beliefs that once appeared similar began to change.   Little disagreements began to trickle through the valley like a small stream. As the lives grew older the disagreements also grew, and the small stream began to flow stronger and wider but was able to be easily crossed for a long time.

After a few years the skies grew dark over the valley with clouds of temptation that cast shadows on both the hills and the valley. The clouds were followed by a torrential rain of indiscretion that was followed by an unending supply of more clouds and more rain. The stream became a river. Eventually, the rushing water and many torrential rains tore at the edges of both hills. The river flowed fast and hard and changed the entire landscape of these two lives.

As the ground gave way and the valley grew in width and depth, the two lives changed in many ways. One of the lives tried many times to build a bridge between the two hills, but the other life liked the rain. The harder the rain, the more entertained that life was. The harder the rain, the more fragile the other life was. After one particularly hard rain, the fragile life lost her footing at the edge of the final bridge. That life became so sad that she longed to be washed away by the flood that was rushing through the great canyon between the cliffs where two hills once rested.

The story of these two lives did not end there. The life that was entertained by the rains and rapids still resides where his hill once stood. He is still entertained but never fulfilled. The other life, however, was changed beyond recognition. The Creator of the original hills and valley has gifted her with a new life far better that the one she sadly lived for so long. She sees no clouds or rain. She now sees sunshine and flowers everywhere she looks. Her new life has beauty and fulfillment beyond comprehension. All she had to do to receive this beautiful new life was to look to the Creator and give Him the old life in exchange for the new.

“See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you…” Matthew 6:28b-30a.

The Difference Between Doing and Living

Have you ever been so tired that no matter how hard you tried you just couldn’t hold your eyes open and you were not somewhere you wanted to be caught sleeping?  On one particular day during my junior year of high school I was sitting at one of the long science tables in physics class trying very unsuccessfully to stay awake.  Mr. W. was a great teacher who entertained his classes with hilarious stories, but he spoke very monotone and the steady tone of his voice worked on me just like a lullaby does to a baby.  I don’t remember who had the pleasure of waking me up that day, but I will never forget being startled awake and feeling so embarrassed.  I felt like the focal point for the entire class whether they were paying attention or not.

If you follow my blog or happened to read my last post, you may remember that it was about the individual person being distracted by the things going on in his or her life and the distractions found on the news or social media.  In the Gospel of Mark, chapter 13, verses 32 through 33 Jesus says, “No one knows the day or hour when these things [His return] will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself.  And since you don’t know when they will happen, stay alert and keep watch.”

I don’t want to be embarrassed again by falling asleep somewhere I shouldn’t, but the thought of Jesus catching me asleep when I am supposed to be a living example of His love is… I don’t even have words to describe how horrible that would be.  There have been many times in my life during which I have watched for His return and there are other times when I have allowed distractions to take His place as my focal point.  I have recently realized that during some of the times I thought I was being watchful for Him I was actually being distracted by what I thought was His service.  I was doing the “right things” as I understood those things in Scripture, but I wasn’t really living those right things in the right way.  What if I’m not the only one?  What if Jesus comes back and finds not only me sleeping but whole congregations sleeping as well?  What can slip past the sleeping congregations and sit right down on the pew beside each member?

The book of Revelations, chapters two and three consist of letters dictated by Jesus to the churches of Biblical times and they tell us exactly what can happen when the congregation is sleeping.  The first letter is written to the church in Ephesus and should be a wake-up call to churches today.  “I know all the things you do.  I have seen your hard work and your patient endurance.  I know you don’t tolerate evil people…  But I have this complaint against you.  You don’t love me or each other as you did at first!  Look how far you have fallen from your first love!  Turn back to me again and work as you did at first.”  In His letter to the church in Sardis Jesus said, “I know all the things you do, and that you have a reputation for being alive – but you are dead.  Now wake up!  Strengthen what little remains for even what is left is at the point of death.”

The accusations against these churches were written in letters to those congregations, but they were included in Scripture for a reason.  God doesn’t simply want us to know what He said to these churches that have been gone for centuries.  He wants us to realize He is talking to the churches of today, too – my church, your church, the church around the corner and the church across town.

The churches of today need to wake up and open their eyes to the things going on around them and even within their own congregations.  In His letter to the church in Thyatica Jesus speaks of a woman, Jezebel, doing and encouraging sin within the church.  All churches have a Jezebel at some point in time.  Most churches have a Jezebel right now whether they realize it or not.  Jezebel could open the church up to many things such as gossip, lies, theft, or even drugs, sexual immorality or idolatry and false teaching.  The important thing with all church Jezebels is that the church handle the situation Scripturally.  Is she allowed to continue her behavior while various people pray for her to change?  Is she spoken to about her behavior but allowed to continue with it?  Is her behavior addressed according to the instructions presented in Scripture?  There may be times in the life of the church that His children look around themselves with concern and fear because their Jezebel seems so strong or out of control, but rest assured God will not allow Jezebel to continue forever.  In His letter to the church of Thyatira Jesus warns, “I gave her time to repent, but she would not turn away from her immorality.  Therefore, I will throw her upon a sickbed, and she will suffer greatly with all who commit adultery with her, unless they turn away from all their evil deeds.  I will strike her children dead.  And all the churches will know that I am the one who searches out the thoughts and intentions of every person.  And I will give each of you whatever you deserve….”  I’m not sure how you feel about that part of His letter, but I find it a little scary for the church.  Jezebel’s children are not necessarily the ones she has physically given birth to.  They could just as easily be other members of the church family who have become actively or passively involved in her behavior.

Jesus always leaves us with hope, however, such as the promise in his letter to the church in Philadelphia.  “I know all the things you do, and I have opened a door for you that no one can shut.  You have little strength, yet you obeyed my word and did not deny me.  Look!  I will force those who belong to Satan [including Jezebel and her children] – those liars who say they are Jews [children of God] but are not – to come and bow down at your feet.  They will acknowledge that you are the ones I love.  Because you have obeyed my command to persevere, I will protect you from the great time of testing that will come upon the whole world to test those who belong to this world.” What an awesome promise!

This post jumps around a bit in topic, but it can be applied to both the individual person and the church body. Stop doing the right things because they are the right things to do; and start living, really living the right way. Would you rather stand before Jesus at His judgement seat and hear Him say you obeyed Him, or would you rather hear Him say you lived your life in a way that other people saw Him through you? The choice is yours.

Don’t be Found Sleeping

I work in finance in a medium sized public service organization. Last week, in the last five minutes of the workweek, I took some information that concerned me to my boss. Something wasn’t balancing as it should which meant that somewhere, somehow an error was been made. More than likely, this error will be simple to fix, but it may take me some time to locate the error and make a correcting entry. I was already disappointed in myself for not noticing this problem weeks earlier; but when I saw the disappointment on my boss’ face and heard it in his voice my disappointment turned to something closer to dread. I was very upset with myself for letting my boss down. I hate letting anyone down, but my boss is a good boss and I really, really hated letting him down.

This evening I pulled out the women’s devotional book I have been studying. Today’s reading was about being a good steward and giving wisely. The suggested reading was the end of Mark chapter 12; but when I was through with those verses I continued through chapter 13. Verses 32 through 37 practically jumped off the page at me. “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come. It’s like a man going away; He leaves his house and puts his servants in charge, each with his assigned task, and tells the one at the door to keep watch.

“Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back – whether in evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows at dawn. If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping.”

My boss didn’t find me sleeping. I found myself sleeping and then had to explain to him how I had let him down. I didn’t like admitting it, but I had no excuse. I allowed myself to be distracted by other things. The other things were important as well, but those tasks should not have taken all of my focus so that I did not see this error until now.

While reading Mark chapter 13 this evening, I realized I let Someone down every day – Someone much more important than my boss. I read my Bible, I attend small group Bible studies, I listen to Christian music; but if God chose tonight to send His Son in all His power and glory to gather His children, He would find that this child has slept way too much lately. I have watched for the signs that many people recognize  – wars, persecution of Christians, famine, earthquakes,  etc. – but I have allowed these signs which are on the news quite regularly to distract me. Instead of serving Jesus, I have been focused on the signs of His return. I cannot imagine the dread I would feel if He showed up when I wasn’t paying attention – while I was sleeping. Oh, what a horrible feeling that would be!

It is time for me, for all of us, to wake up. We need to stop focusing on the signs that were prophesied and start serving the One those prophesies were pointing to return. We need to make sure we are ready, and we need to make sure the people around us are ready. We need to be doing the tasks He has assigned to each of us and let Him handle the rest.

Don’t just watch for His return. Serve Him while you watch.

Redirected Pain

If you have followed my blog at all, you know my life has been quite stressful during the last several months. The last year and a half have left me feeling like I am a deer running through a forest with a firing squad of hunters chasing me. I may run out of one hunter’s sights but quickly find myself with another closing in. No matter how fast I run nor how well I hide, I have a constant fear that the next hunter will be the one who hits his mark. I’ve been grazed many times and have scars to prove it, but I often don’t feel like one wound has scarred over before the next is delivered.

Last night I received a unexpected phone call from someone I had not talked to in several months. It was a brief conversation that included good moments and bad, but both the good and the bad left me a great deal to think about in the hours after.

God used that conversation to point out two very important things to me. I already knew the last few years and especially the last few months have triggered feelings of complete distrust. I trust almost no one. Even those few I do trust to never intentionally hurt me, I do not trust to accidentally betray my confidence. This state of complete mistrust is not a pleasant place to find myself. It comes naturally to me to unconsciously look for an ulterior motive in every relationship I have. Most of the time, I don’t even realize I am doing this until I have completed my evaluation of everything said and done in a particular situation or interaction. I don’t know how long I will struggle with this lack of trust, but I have found I am only hurting myself.

The second thing I have recognized after pondering the conversation last night is that I need to change my focus. Yes, my life has been really rough lately and no one would blame me for being exhausted, bitter and angry, but what good does it do me to feel sorry for myself. What purpose do anger and resentment have? I can tell you one thing for sure; exhaustion, anger and resentment, even when justified, serve one single purpose. They keep you from focusing on what God wants you to focus on. It’s that simple. No matter what your circumstances, God can use you in some way to help someone else.

In Mark chapter 8 and verse 2 Jesus says, “I feel sorry for these people. They have been here with me for three days and they have nothing left to eat.” Jesus had already done plenty for these people and numerous others. He had gone well above and beyond and knew that He would eventually pay the ultimate price in His death on the cross in the place of these people and the rest of the world. He was under no obligation to take care of them. He was under no obligation to feed them. He would have been completely justified in leaving at any time to get some much-needed rest and a good meal, but He didn’t. He knew that He could do something more for these people even if it meant He did less for Himself. He knew He would soon suffer a terrible death in the place of humanity yet he still took the time to help these people.

How different would this world be if we, those of us who are already exhausted, bruised and scarred, took the hurt that we feel and directed that pain into helping someone else?

The Other Side of the Valley of Baca

Do you feel like you are wandering through a desert with nothing but sand to see in every direction? I’ve felt at various times in my life like I was in a desert, but those deserts were nothing in comparison to the Valley of Baca I have traveled through this past year.

I’m sure we have all seen at least one movie in which someone is stranded in a desert, trudging through the sand, thirsty, sunburned, so desperate for water and shade that they sometimes see a mirage with a pool of cool, clear water in the shade of some palms.

Psalm 84 talks of one of these deserts called the Valley of Baca. When I googled Baca I found a variety of definitions. One definition describes love, another defines Baca as a specific type of tree, but the most common definition of Baca is a desert known as the Valley of Weeping. Many historians believe travelers on their way to the Feast of Tabernacle would often have no choice but to travel through the Valley of Baca. It is thought that the travelers would often dig a hole in the hopes it would fill with ground water. If that didn’t happen, the hole would be left with the hope that it would fill with rain water that the next weary traveler could drink.

Do you feel like you are in Baca right now? Do you feel like you are wandering through a desert with nothing but sand to see in every direction? I’ve felt at various times in my life like I was in a desert, but those deserts were nothing in comparison to the Valley of Baca I have traveled through this past year.

In these last few months, I have longed for peace and comfort. I have experienced moments of peace in which the hole I dug had filled with water and other moments when I found a hole dug by another traveler that had filled with life-sustaining water through rain. I have walked. I have crawled. I have fallen and rolled down the giant sand dunes like I have seen in movies. I have even been carried through portions of my Valley of Baca. I have cried, I have prayed, I have begged, and I have praised. I have trudged up one sand dune hoping to see a luscious, green valley on the other side, just to drop to my knees and cry when I reach the top and see nothing but sand in all directions on the other side. I have often longed for God to pick me up and hold me in His lap like a child and comfort and protect me.

In Psalm 84:5-9 the Psalmist wrote, “Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, whose heart is set on pilgrimage.  As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make a spring; the rain also covers it with pools. They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion.”

I am here to tell you that I have traveled through Baca and I can see the other side. I am not quite to that beautiful, green grass, but I can almost feel it between my toes. If you are in your own Valley of Baca, don’t give up. Keep going. Dig a hole for water. If you are too tired to dig, find a hole some other traveler has left for you. If you can’t walk any more right now on your own, find another traveler to help you. Keep moving.

“How lovely is Your tabernacle, O Lord of hosts! My soul longs, yes, even faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young – even Your alters, O Lord of hosts, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in Your house; they will still be praising You….For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand.  I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness. For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the man who trusts in You” (Psalm 84:1-4,10-12).

Cry out to God and focus on Him. If all you can see right now when you look around you is Baca and God, you have all you need. God carried me through Baca, and He will do the same for you if you will just ask.

New Happiness Despite Old Circumstances

If someone had told me a year ago that I would be where I am today, I would have told them they were crazy. Not only would I have never allowed things to spin this far out of control, I would never have been able to survive as things are now.

If someone had told me six months ago that everything that my life was would be gone in three months, I would have told them they were as wrong as wrong could be.

If someone had told me three months ago that I would soon be happier than I had been in over two decades, I would have told them they had no idea what they were talking about and obviously didn’t know me very well. At that time I was too devestated to really, truly function or see any possibility of happiness in my future.

Guess what. In each of these instances I would have been the one who was wrong. When I look back on the multitude of major changes that have taken place during this difficult time in my life, I visualize a big box that my life was carefully packed away in. Some of my life was packed neatly and organized and some was simply thrown into the box with the rest. Regardless of how or when it was placed in the box, each item was very valuable to me. Once my whole life was packed away to keep it safe, someone snatched the box from the place l had hidden it for safety.  They flipped it upside down and shook until the entire box, my life, was empty, handed that empty box to me, stomped on much of the contents and then smugly walked away.

I felt lost at first, frozen and unable to think. After some time had passed, I knelt down on the floor and began to try to put everything back in the box, but the box seemed much smaller now. After a while I realized that the broken pieces of my life wouldn’t fit in the box any more. I had a difficult time fitting everything in the box before it was dumped and was now faced with the task of trying to shove every broken piece, big or small, into a space never made to hold so much. It couldn’t be done.

With tears flowing down my face, I removed each broken piece of my life and spread them neatly around the floor beside the box. I gazed upon them and mourned my losses. How could I continue without these pieces of my life whether they were whole or broken? I tried desperately to find a way to glue the shattered pieces back together. I insisted I would succeed, but after a while I realized I was lying to myself. No amount of glue or tape could ever fix these shattered pieces and make them whole again, and they could not fit back into the box I held no matter how I tried. I didn’t know what to do.

I knew I couldn’t go on without these pieces but they couldn’t be fixed. I cried and I cried…a lot, and then I began to pack the unbroken items back into the box. Even these unbroken pieces were marred in some way by scratches, bruises, dents or cracks, but they were still intact despite their scars. As I placed the last of the unbroken pieces of my life into the box, I saw something through the tears welled up in my eyes. My box was full and not because it was smaller. My box had grown in size and the scarred but unbroken pieces of my life that now resided in this box had grown, too. 

The box I packed my life into was completely full and it no longer seemed like anything was missing. The shattered pieces on the floor around me were no longer important. I had thought for over two decades that each item I had packed away was extremely important and irreplaceable. I had packed each of my precious “belongings” away to protect them, but all that I had really accomplished was to hold on to them for two decades longer than God wanted me to. These things had no real value and actually lowered the value of the other pieces of my life.

My life outside of my imaginary box has changed considerably. Some of the changes were painful to live through but each and every one of them was needed and has brought me to a new place in my life…a new place where I feel respected, wanted and loved.

Isaiah 43:2 says, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

I thought I would not survive the complete change my life has been through; but, as it says in Isaiah 43:2, I did not drown or burn. I made it and I am happy for the first time in many, many years.

From Shattered Glass to a Vase of Roses

I want you to picture someone and something in your mind. Think of the person you love who has hurt you the most. The pain this person has caused you could be from something he or she said, or did, or neglected to do, or any number of things. Regardless of what happened, the pain that you felt or may still feel is unlike any other you have ever felt because of the love you have given to them. The individual you are thinking of is standing next to a coffee table. Resting on the table is the most beautiful glass vase you have ever seen. The vase is made of clear glass with swirls of color flowing through it. The vase holds a colorful blend of flowers. You have had this vase for many, many years and have always made sure the flowers it held were fresh and beautiful. You now think of this vase as a treasured heirloom to pass down to your children.

Now I want you to envision this person you love pick up your vase full of flowers. They smile as they examine the thing of beauty they now hold in their hands. Just as the smile envelopes his or her face and they seem to be almost entranced by the beauty they are holding, the smile which now reaches his or her eyes changes. You cannot describe or explain the change, but you see it clearly and know something has gone terribly wrong. Without warning, this person you have loved hurls the vase against a stone wall that encases the flames burning in a fireplace. You stand frozen in shock for seconds that feel more like hours or days. You cannot move. You cannot breath. You cannot think. You cannot understand. You can only stare in silence as your emotions try to process what you have just witnessed.

Eventually, you begin to feel as though your life has been shattered. You feel like you have been violated by the look of pleasure on your loved one’s face. You feel devastated and refuse to allow yourself to look at the shards and slivers of glass as they fall to the hearth in front of the flames. At first, the sheer pleasure you see in his or her eyes hurts you deeply. After a few more seconds that feel more like hours, you feel a combination of sadness and anger…but then you see something new in his or her eyes. The ecstasy you saw in their gaze when they looked at the destruction they had caused turned into confusion. The look of confusion turned into a combination of shock and anger. You cannot pull your eyes from watching his or her face and after a moment find you can speak for the first time in seconds that seem like decades. As you look into their eyes you ask, “What is wrong? Why did you do this?” The shock and anger you saw only a moment ago changes into contempt and they walk silently from the room and slam the door. You feel a deep fear because somehow, in some way you cannot explain, you realize this person is gone forever.

You stare for several moments at the now empty spot he or she was standing in. You are confused because you do not know what has caused the ecstasy in their eyes to change to contempt. Your own confusion and curiosity turn your eyes for the first time towards the shattered vase and scattered flowers, but that is not what you see. In the flames you see several large shards and slivers of glass from the vase, but that is not what causes the amazement you now feel. Sitting on the hearth just barely out of the flames is a vase even more beautiful than the first made of clear glass with red swirling through it. In the vase you see two dozen beautiful white roses. In the center of the white roses rests one beautiful red rose. The flowers should be wilting from the heat of the flames; but, instead, you find them in their most beautiful state completely untouched by the flames or even the heat that you can feel while standing across the room. You stand frozen again. At first you are confused but after a few moments your confusion is replaced by awe and wonder. You are truly amazed by the miracle you gaze upon.

You may have already applied this analogy to your life; but, if not, let’s try it now. The first vase of flowers is your life. It is everything you have ever known and ever loved. It is even the very air you breath. When the vase was thrown against the stone wall, your entire life was being shattered by the actions of someone else. This person was selfish and felt enjoyment from the pain they caused you. Their enjoyment ended the moment he or she realized the slivers of glass that landed in the flames represented them, while the new vase and roses represented your new life without them. He or she will forever be discarded slivers that have no place in the life you have now. The single red rose represents Jesus Christ who is the only One who can turn the slivers of your life into a beautiful miracle.

Psalm 107:19-21 states, “Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent forth his word and healed them. He rescued them from the grave. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men.” The shattered vase and scattered flowers was my old life; but, by the grace of God, the beautiful vase of roses is my new life. I have a lot to thank God for in my new life. He has blessed me in more ways than I can put to words.

Flinching in Fear

Have you ever seen a dog or a child who flinches when an adult moves suddenly and unexpectedly?  My new best friend, Lucy, is a 2 year old great dane.  I adopted her about a month ago to ease the loneliness during and after my recent divorce.   Two days ago I picked up the broom and carried it past Lucy to another room. I thought Lucy was focused on her food bowl, but the moment she saw the broom in my hand she flinched and crouched in fear.  I felt so horrible for scaring her.  Even though I was not the actual cause of her fear, I was the trigger on that particular day. 

There was little I could do to calm her.  I put the broom on the floor and coaxed her from her crouching and trembling position.  I tried to get her to sniff the broom and become comfortable with it. I had very little luck that night.  Lucy will eventually learn that she is safe with me despite the broom I may hold, but it will take time.  I’m sure she will need to see me pick up that broom and do nothing but sweep the floor with it for quite a while before her fears are gone.

Physical flinching is usually easy to see and identify,  but there are other forms of flinching that cannot be so easily recognized.  I realized just this morning that I “flinch” with my emotions.  If you have read my other recent posts, you already know I am going through a divorce after nearly 25 years of marriage.   The longer we are apart, the more I see how disfunctional and destructive our relationship has been.  (Please don’t assume I was physically abused.  I was not.)  I don’t flinch at a broom or fist or anything physical.   Just this morning, however, I came to the realization that I “flinch” emotionally.

I have an old friend who has become a close friend in recent weeks.  He and I have spent hours sharing a great deal of the experiences both of us have had in the last couple of decades since we have seen each other.  After a time, our conversations have become more personal and I enjoy them.  He frequently gives me sweet words of affirmation that would make my heart melt if my emotions didn’t tend to flinch the moment his pleasant words hit my ears.  During the last several years, words of affirmation were used almost exclusively in inappropriate ways.  They were occasionally used to precede criticism.   They were frequently used to distract me from the truth going on around me so that I would believe whatever lie was flowing in that particular moment in time. 

I believe my friend is sincere when he speaks his sweet words, but my emotional reaction is almost always to flinch when I hear them and to brace myself for whatever bad experience will follow.  I have no reason to have this reaction to his words.  He has done nothing to hurt me.  Sadly, in this time when my emotions are still so raw from the fresh wounds that have been spoken over the old emotional scars, I flinch in my heart much as Lucy still does when I pick up the broom. 

It hurts me to see Lucy flinch as she does, and I’m sure it hurts my friend when I do the same.  I feel so bad that he is basically reaping consequences of someone else’s actions.  It is not his fault, and it is unfair of me to hurt or frustrate him when he is only being kind and thoughtful.  I try so hard not to let the insecurities that accompany the emotional flinch to take over my thoughts in these moments, but I usually fail with these efforts.  Sometimes, just simply hearing him call me “beautiful” will trigger a flinch that brings with it a low to medium level of fear.  I am so afraid at times to believe his words that I feel almost suffocated by that fear.  I am afraid to trust.  I am afraid to feel anything emotional.  I am afraid to feel anything physical. 

My friend has not done a single thing to cause my fears.  He has simply done something I am sure is natural for him to do.  He has spoken words to melt my heart, but those words have been used by another in a different way.  I must find a way to stop the emotional flinching, but it will take time to heal my heart and emotions.  It will take time for me to trust anyone but God; but, when I put my trust in God, I find the strength to calm my natural tendency to fear and emotionally flinch with the trigger of innocent words.

John 14:27 states, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.”

Fear

What is the one thing you fear more than anything else? You fear this thing so much that you don’t even want to put words to it, to speak it aloud. Now picture that thing in your mind. Picture it clearly and vividly. How does it make you feel to visualize it? What other feelings accompany the fear you feel when you force your mind to visualize this dreaded image…anxiety, pain, sadness, guilt, anger, hate?

I rarely watch the local, national or world news any more.  Occasionally, a news program may share a story of heroism, generosity, or compassion; but, more often than not, listening to any news program triggers sadness and fear.  ISIS, Boko Haram, Iran, bombings, religious mass murder, shootings, kidnappings, plane crashes and disappearances, storms, rapes, pestilence, drought, famine, economic recession, and a list that can go on forever. These are the stories we hear in vivid details that no one in their right mind wants to visualize. This is the world we live in. This is the world left to us by our parents, and this is the world our children will inherit from us.

Did our parents teach us to fear? Are we teaching our children to fear? As terrible as world events have become, as paralyzing as personal tragedies can be, we all have the ability and responsibility to keep living, keep loving, keep going, and to teach our children the same. Most importantly, we need to teach our children to be happy as they are. Matthew 6:25-27 quotes Jesus instruction to us about fear.  “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?  Who among you by worrying can add a single day to his life.”

It may appear like everything in the world is spiraling out of control and we may fear that our own lives will be touched by some tragic event, but we should never allow our minds to dwell upon these possibilities. Anything could happen at any time. No amount of fear will truly remove the possibility that something tragic may happen in your life. Choose to let go of your fear. Choose to live today focusing on today rather than to live today by allowing your fear to focus on a possible event that may never happen.

“I heard and my heart pounded, my lips quivered at the sound; decay crept into my bones, and my legs trembled.  Yet I will wait patiently for the day of calamity to come on the nation invading us.  Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.  The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights (Habakkuk 3:16-19).”